Green Thumb?

Tonight I went to a Relief Society activity. It was all about plants and how to take of them. Let's just say I am in no way someone that does well at taking care of plants or anything in that category.

A girl that majored in horticulture gave a little lesson and then we planted out own plants and played bingo to try to win a spider plant. It's a plant that looks this.

Although mine looks a lot less full. I think it's just in it's beginning stages. I didn't feel like taking a picture of my plants so you get a google image. Sorry. Yes, I'm that lazy.

So we'll see how long it takes me to kill these plants. Right now I have 2 aloe plants (from our friends the Hart's) and now 2 more plants from tonight. I haven't managed to kill the aloe plants yet, but they've molded a little bit so apparently I'm watering them too much. So I didn't water them for about 3 weeks, maybe more, and they seem to look better now.

Also at the activity I mentioned that my dream calling would be to be in nursery. Lucky for me, someone that works in the nursery was there and was super excited about it because they just realigned the ward boundaries and they need help now. She said there were 20 kids this past Sunday so they need all the help they can get. So we'll see what happens with that. With my luck, I'll get in there and not enjoy it at all. Oh well, good birth control right? Just kidding...

In other news, I was flipping through channels tonight and I came across a "Real Housewives of..." episode. At least I think that's what it was. I didn't watch enough of it to really figure it out. Anyway, in of the women's interviews she said something that really struck me. She said,

"If the grass seems greener on the other side, you need to water your own grass, not buy a new house."

I'm sure that's been said by other people before, but it just caught my attention tonight. Very good quote. 

Just food for thought I guess.

My daddy :)

This is my daddy.

I love him very much.

We're actually very similar. Pretty laid back, don't take things too seriously, yet still practical.

He was always at all my softball games, even coached me in basketball one year on an all boys team haha.

He always supported me in no matter what decisions I made.

I am definitely a daddy's girl.

Every time I go home I get really excited to see my dad.

We have very similar senses of humor and laugh all the time together.

That's probably why we get along so well.

I love my dad very, very much and couldn't have wished for a better daddy.

What a difference a year makes

This past year has undoubtedly been one of, if not the hardest, years of our lives.

However we have been blessed immensely by Heavenly Father in ways that I never thought possible.

Let me do a little explaining.

2 summers ago (2009-the summer we got married) I started taking birth control. However, my body is not a fan of the hormones that birth control contains whatsoever. Over the summer I started to feel numbness in my hands, face, etc. I didn't connect the numbness with birth control at that time however. 

Then one morning I woke up and my wrist was hurting. You know how sometimes you sleep on your wrist wrong and it's sore the next morning but after a little while it goes away? I just assumed that was the case. However the next morning, I woke up with the same pain.It gradually got worse and worse to the point of my ankles hurting and it being hard to walk. Not terribly hard, just quite uncomfortable. Then I started feeling more numbness in my hands, fingers, feet, etc. I had trouble with my fine motor skills with my hands such as typing, brushing my teeth, etc. So I went to the health clinic here on campus and told them what was going on. They said it might be lupus. I freaked. Then I told them I started realizing the numbness shortly after starting birth control. They flat out told me that birth control can't have those sort of effects of someone. Obviously I believed them-they are doctors of course. 

Anyway, Kevin and I decided that maybe I should stop taking the birth control and see if my symptoms went away and if I happened to get pregnant, then that was okay too.

That was in November of 2009. That following February we found out I was pregnant. We were so excited, but also scared out of our minds. How would we pay for this baby? Would I finish school? And tons of other questions.

Everything went great for the first 5 months. Then we got some genetic testing results back with a positive result for spina bifida. The nurse said that didn't mean the baby had it, just something in the blood work showed a higher chance. I freaked again. We set up an ultrasound appointment with a specialist in Idaho Falls  for late June. Naturally I did some research on what can cause it and taking hot baths will basically "cook" your baby in a way. I never knew that, and I enjoyed several of those baths early in my pregnancy.

However, we never made it to late June for that ultrasound appointment. 

At my 17 week appointment, my blood pressure was quite high. This is quite unusual so early on in a pregnancy, so they started drawing lots of blood and doing lots of tests the next few weeks in order to figure out why it was so high.

Then I had another appointment to check on my blood pressure and the nurse practioner checked the heart beat which was strong. But my blood pressure was still high so I set up another appointment for the next day.

The next day the doctor had trouble finding the heart beat with his little stethoscope thing so I had another ultrasound. His face looked a little off to me as he took measurements but I didn't think anything of it. I mean, I had just heard the heartbeat the day before and saw my baby kicking only a few weeks before in my last ultrasound.

Then the doctor said they baby had stopped growing right around the time of my last ultrasound. That was about 5 weeks prior. I freaked again, 

We moved up the date of the appointment with the specialist to the next week. Over that weekend was Kevin's mom's birthday so we went down for the weekend. I started feeling a few cramps Sunday night, but didn't think anything of it really. On Wednesday we went to the appointment in Idaho Falls only to be told there was no heartbeat. I thought my heart might stop beating as well when I heard the doctor say that. He was kind of a jerk about it too. His exact words were, "What I see here is a baby with no heartbeat, so that means this pregnancy has been lost." And then he walked out of the room. I instantly started bawling. My helpless baby that had been fine just a few days before was now dead. I couldn't believe it.

I thought about all the people who already knew. I was 20 weeks the next day, so we had announced the pregnancy almost 2 months before. Everyone knew. Thinking about calling my mom to tell her was more than I could bear. I made Kevin do it. I still regret making him do it. Although I spent countless hours on the phone with my mom in the near future, I still wish I could have had that moment with her regardless.

I spent the next 24 hours in the hospital waiting to deliver a baby I wouldn't get to take home. I heard several healthy babies enter the world that night crying, and I myself cried along with them. 

He was born one year ago today at 2:21 AM. From a medical standpoint, we can't be 100% sure he is a boy because he stopped growing at 14 weeks, but we both felt the whole time he was a boy and I'd like to think there was a little boy part that had started to grow down there. That being said, if there is a little girl waiting up in heaven for us, I'll have to apologize for putting her on the church records as a boy named Matthew Derek Elkins and referring to her as such until I die. But I'll still love her regardless.

Now onto the blessings part of the last year.

The reason why he died was because I have a clotting disorder which makes me prone to multiple miscarriages. All of my future pregnancies will be considered high risk and I'll have to take a blood thinner everyday in order to reduce the chances of developing a blood clot while pregnant. Because it's genetic, my sisters got tested for the disorder as well. One has it, one does not. The one that has it has had multiple surgeries in the past and her doctor said she should have died from a clot at some point. That alone is a huge blessing.

Another blessing is that Kevin and I have a much better plan for our future now than we did a year ago and I feel much more secure in our future plans than I did then. This may seem quite selfish, but we weren't ready to be parents really. Don't get me wrong, we would have figured it out eventually, but I think we're much more prepared now. Even though I know you can never really be ready.

Our relationship is so much stronger now than it was. Going through that kind of trial/experience (especially in the first year of marriage) is something I would never wish upon anyone,but it really brought us closer and more in tune with each other.

So you know how those doctors at the health clinic on campus said birth control can't cause those side effects? Yeah, I asked my OB-GYN about it, and without hesitating he responded, "Absolutely it can cause those kind of symptoms." I will never go to that health clinic again. 

We went to the temple today to celebrate Matthew's birthday. He was definitely there. It was great to feel him so strongly. We're also celebrating with a cheesecake. We decided that will be our tradition every June 17th. Temple and cheesecake. Hopefully eventually our future kids will become part of that tradition too.

I'm sure I had more thoughts I was going to write about, but I'm all blogged out. This is by far the longest post  I've ever written-pretty much a novel.

So happy birthday, Matthew. Daddy and I love you very much and can't wait until we actually get to meet you. Say hi to all your brothers and sisters that are up there celebrating with you today :)

What's new

So I was on my way home from Idaho Falls today after depositing our pay checks (I really wish there was a Chase closer to Rexburg). Anyway, there was a women in front of me and all of a sudden she dropped a cigarette out her window! Really? I'm pretty bold, but I wish I was a little more bold in this situation. I so badly wanted to get out of my car, go pick up her disgusting cigarette, knock on her window, and tell her "Um, excuse me. You are more than welcome to destroy your body and lungs, but please don't destroy the earth while you are killing yourself. Thanks." Too bad I would never be able to do that. Which may be a good thing. You never know what kind of people will act all crazy when confronted.

In other news, I no longer work at Jimmy John's. (I know you're devastated, Jill haha). I am following Kevin's footsteps and now work at McDonald's! I know, I ventured way outside the box with this job. But I totally just walked in and got a job. Really blessed with it. Only downside to the job is going to bed while the sun is still out and going to work while the stars are still out. I go to bed around 8-8:30 every night and wake up around 4:15 and I'm at work at 4:45. Yes, in the morning! I am not a morning person by any definition of the word so it has been an interesting few weeks. I would much rather stay up later any day. But it's a job that gives me about 35 hours a week, so I can't complain at all.

One last note, I bought my plane tickets to go home for Kelli's graduation! I'm so stoked! I didn't think I'd be able to make it home, so I am very excited it worked out. Another benefit of working at McDonald's is getting to ask for time off ahead of time. Jimmy John's had a set schedule so you were required to find substitutes for any shift you wanted covered and that wasn't always an easy task. Anyway, I really excited to go home, even though Kevin can't go with me because he has school until July. I am also excited to meet little Dillan (well, he's not really that little but that's ok.) I would post a picture, but since he's not my kid, I won't. But trust me-he is precious!  I can't wait to see everyone and meet him!

That's all folks! Bed time for me!

My mama

There's nothing like a mother and there's definitely nothing like your own mother.

The women I'd like to think I knew before I came to this earth

The women that suffered through a Texas summer heat while pregnant with me

then suffered through 34 hours of labor with me and then had to have a C-section

only to be "rewarded" with a demon-like child who would scream for hours at a time

The woman who watched me dance and twirl through my early years

then helped me clean up my multiple injuries from running into things

The women who I often butted heads with especially in my teenage years

only to grow up and realize she really did know best in a lot of those situations

The women who has been by my side during my proudest moments and shared in that joy

yet has been there every step of the way during my darkest hours of despair

The woman who has always loved me and supported me in all my good decisions and kept quiet during a lot (not all, mind you) of my bad decisions

But has always loved me and prayed for me regardless.

Love you mom. Thank you for everything. I hope you have a happy mother's day!

Feeling accomlished

I am quite proud of my accomplishments over the past few days :)

1) I finished my first Mahjong tiles game ever.

2) Kevin and I cleaned the apartment which had taken a back seat for several months because of school/work and, let's be honest, I just didn't want to take the time to do it. However, it already needs to be cleaned again. Just laundry, a few dishes, and putting some blankets/clothes away. Nothing major, just needs to be done.

3) I finished my semester and managed to actually raise my overall GPA. Now I just get to work for 5 months. Poor Kevin is back to working and school. And he has hard classes these last 2 semesters.

4) I've applied to several places and already gotten multiple interviews so that's nice. I just wish I didn't have to look for a second job in order to get more than 23 hours per week. I mean, I worked 33 while I was in school, but now that I'm available anytime, I only get 23. I'm a little annoyed so I've started looking for a second (or even different job).

5) I completely forgot we bought a container of nutella (accomplishment 1 of this one) and once I realized it, I only ate about a 1/4 of the container. I was especially proud of this accomplishment. I really need to get over this  chocolate addiction I've had since I was born.

That's about all that's going on in our household recently!

Some people

The family we sat behind today in church made me sad. Well actually, just the mom. She was sitting right in front of us and her 4 kids and her husband were to her right. It was in the middle of a talk and she pulls out her phone and checks her facebook!!! Seriously?!? She was trying to keep it hidden in her purse and covering it with her hand, but it was still obvious. I think her husband knew and he sent their son to her side of the pew to ask what she was doing. As soon as he got closer to her, she made the screen go blank so he couldn't see what she was looking at. When he asked, she said "pictures". Now I don't doubt she was looking at pictures, but she left out the small detail that she was also checking her facebook-in Sacrament meeting!!

What kind of example does that show her kids is  my question?

I'm the first to admit to Sacrament meeting A.D.D. but to pull out your phone and text, check facebook, etc. is something I don't think I'll ever understand.  And then to hide it from someone you're supposed to be setting an example for is beyond me.

I would pay money to see how she handles the situation when the roles are reversed in about 10 years and her kids are the ones to be on the internet while in Sacrament meeting. If checking your social standing is OK now, what's to say in 10 years that taking a phone call during a church meeting will still be considered rude? By that time, it will probably be the norm.